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By carefully examining your relationships, you can learn how
to face the issues that come along with the joys and your
attempts to fulfil your dreams. Sometimes by moving
apart, stepping back and examining how the pushes and pulls
work in your relationships, you can begin to understand that
although you seem to be disconnected, in fact you may be
emotionally fused.
Our partners
can sometime impose an enormous pressure to conform,
participate in the family norms, where you are end up
doing things you would "normally" never think of doing. Why?
Because you want to be loved, you want the relationship to
work, you need your partner's approval... these are signs you
may be in a fused relationship... what seems like a secure and loving partnership
is one based on fear and other people's expectations.
Sometimes the
expectations are yours.
Often we grow up influenced by how our parents acted, and we
bring this into the new relationship. So our
expectations are actually our parents
This is
referred to by Toby Bobes and Barbara Rothman as The
Crowded Bed*. What we bring to the relationship includes
our history, our parent's and grandparent's and
great-grandparent's history.
How well do you know your partner
One partner of a couple I was counselling (details are
disguised to give confidentiality) let it known in the first
session that had he known in the beginning his partner was a
believer in capital punishment he would never have hooked up
with her. They had been in a relationship for ten years.
The proposal
I put to them that they sit down regularly and talk about what
they believe in and what they want out of their relationship
resulted in each person saying that they thought it was
obvious simply because they were together for so long.
They stopped
coming to counselling after three sessions. I don't know
whether they gave up trying, separated or resolved their
issues. My guess is they either gave up trying to live
better together and continued arguing and feeling bad until
they separated. Resolving their issues seemed the least
expectant outcome.
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How does differentiation work
A critical part of couple counselling or coaching
is establishing each partner's own self-esteem. A strong
foundation for building a partnership comes from the strength
of each person. Needy or co-dependant relationships have
difficulties because the relationship is more about what (or
who) is holding each partner up rather than what the partners
are doing to support the relationship.
Couples who
have similar levels of differentiation can live well together
whatever the level. The problems arise when one attempts
to raise their level of differentiation and the other does not
want to change. Usually the one who does not want to
change does everything they can to draw their (changing)
partner back to their original level. These relationships may
work (slaves and masters work as long as the slave remains the
slave) but may not be healthy.
The moment a
husband loses his job (status as master) and the wife has to
go to work (becoming the breadwinner) the equilibrium is
rocked.
A high level
of differentiation is needed for a relationship to be healthy
and steady in the throes of disruption.
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Your
family going back through the generations
If you come from a family that is highly emotional and fused
in that emotion you may be responding to your parent's wishes
and demands (as it is likely they did to their parent's
directives) even as an adult in the next generational entity.
We all
respond to our upbringing by assuming the mantle of our
parents or who ever nurtures (or doesn't) in the early years
of our life. The atmosphere and mood in the family, father's
patriarchal attitudes, mothers domineering or nagging... the
relationship patterns. These all influence how "we are
in the world". Our level of differentiation is often
similar to our parents. "Life father like son."
"She acts just like her mother." How often do you hear
these comments? Acting the opposite to our parents
(rebelling) also reflects our level of differentiation. Low if we are
rebelling and also low if we are acquiescing.
We then grow
and mature and select a mate who is usually similar
to our level of differentiation. Thus perpetuating the
generational transmission process described by Murray Bowen:
"The concept
of the multigenerational transmission process describes how
small differences in the levels of differentiation between
parents and their offspring lead over many generations to
marked differences in differentiation among the members of a
multigenerational family.
"A poorly
differentiated family leads a disorganised life, needing much
support form outside the family and seeking support
(neediness) from each other and the partners they choose.
"The next
step in the multigenerational transmission process is people
predictably selecting mates with levels of differentiation of
self that match their own.
"A key
implication of the multigenerational concept is that the roots
of the most severe human problems as well as of the highest
levels of human adaptation are generations deep. The
multigenerational transmission process not only programs the
levels of "self" people develop, but it also programs how
people interact with others. Both types of programming affect
the selection of a spouse."
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Triangles and
what part they play in relationships
Triangles have positive and negative values. According to
Bowen Theory any two part relationship is unstable and
requires a third party or thing to moderate it. In times of
anxiety even the best of us will resort to blaming others for
things not working. When anxiety is high the harder it is to
remain calm.
When
differentiation is high people can talk confidently about the
issues, taking responsibility where it is proper without
complaining or blaming others.
Triangles are
"bad" when people become locked into taking sides basing their
decisions on emotional responses or feelings.
Mindfulness is not utilised in this case. People often
align with each other against reason (agreeing with the boss
for instance because your job depends on it) or any number of
ways to make things comfortable for yourself.
Murray Bowen
again:
"Someone is
always uncomfortable in a triangle and pushing for change. The
insiders solidify their bond by choosing each other in
preference to the less desirable outsider. Someone choosing
another person over oneself arouses particularly intense
feelings of rejection. If mild to moderate tension develops
between the insiders, the most uncomfortable one will move
closer to the outsider. One of the original insiders now
becomes the new outsider and the original outsider is now an
insider. The new outsider will make predictable moves to
restore closeness with one of the insiders.
"At moderate levels of tension, triangles usually have one
side in conflict and two sides in harmony. The conflict is not
inherent in the relationship in which it exists but reflects
the overall functioning of the triangle. At a high level of
tension, the outside position becomes the most desirable. If
severe conflict erupts between the insiders, one insider opts
for the outside position by getting the current outsider
fighting with the other insider. If the manoeuvring insider is
successful, he gains the more comfortable position of watching
the other two people fight. When the tension and conflict
subside, the outsider will try to regain an inside position.
"Triangles contribute significantly to the development of
clinical problems. Getting pushed from an inside to an outside
position can trigger a depression or perhaps even a physical
illness. Two parents intensely focusing on what is wrong with
a child can trigger serious rebellion in the child."
Staying away from triangles
When you feel you are being drawn into a triangle situation it
is easy to stay separate by:
-
being mindful
it is happening
-
breathing
steadily and concentrating on your desire to stay clear
-
aiming for
higher levels of differentiation
-
repeating
back to the other person what they say, summarising and then
stating you contrary opinion
-
remain
neutral in your opinions if you feel you are being swayed
-
foster
healthy relationships with the people you associate
-
stay away
from people who complain or whine, moan and criticise about
their friends
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Cut-off —
breaking away without resolving issues
Bowen referred to emotional cut-off as the way some people
resolve their unfinished business with their parents. So
is this a bad thing? Well, given that sometimes
remaining in a difficult situation can be resolved simply by
leaving might be seen as a good thing.
Imagine
living in a family that included the children being abused or
sexually molested. Is it a good thing to stay or bad to
leave? Given that in the early years children are bound
to their parents by law, sometimes there is no choice.
However, as children become more mature they a re more able to
make decisions that favour their survival rather than allowing
mere existence.
Tensions are
reduced by leaving uncomfortable or dangerous situations.
Emotion tension is reduced by cut-off. This unresolved
attachment is present in all of us. The higher
differentiated person has less unresolved attachment and is
able to co-exist with some tensions in the family albeit with
some degree of discomfort. Being able to "live with"
this discomfort, not let it spill out every time you meet "the
parents" indicates a high level of differentiation.
Ways to know
that your attachment is unresolved might include acting like a
child when you visit your parents, or look to them to resolve
your problems... or look at always wanting to resolve their
problems. Do you seek your parent's approval and get
angry when it is not given?
Have you left
home and broken off all relations with your parents and
family? Sometimes this indicates your have unresolved
family attachment. In this situation many people build
alternative family structures (sometimes in marriages or
living in communes or joining in with a like-minded group of
people) and live happily in these situations. However,
without a strong family base, if these alternative structures
falter, people find themselves in muddy waters.
Christmas or
family celebrations are often where cut-off these issues
arise. Cut-off members of the family return hoping
things will be better but they soon find old tensions bubble
to the surface. Other family members blame and accuse
the cut-off member for causing trouble and "upsetting Mum".
Often people
get "sick" just before they are due to return to the family
home or event. Especially if there has been a history of
"incidents" when ever they have returned. It is obvious
really when you think about it, that you wouldn't want to go
somewhere where you have a bad time.
How to ease back in after cut-off
Sometimes impossible to fully restore good relations so tread
carefully with realistic expectations. "Once bitten,
twice shy." Many people are unforgiving once "you betray
the family honour".
-
Try to foster
good relations all the time.
-
Send cards
and make calls.
-
Visit for
short periods in non-celebration times.
-
Be neutral in
your conversation.
-
Maintain a
differentiated stance, even when you don't feel it.
-
Be genuine,
kind, loving and thoughtful with people who may be hurt by
your actions.
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Bibliography:
-
The Crowded
Bed: An Effective Framework for Doing Couple Therapy.
Binghamton, New York, Haworth Press, 1998.
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